The other parts of the restaurant -  upstairs dining room and bar were pretty raucous, but we had opted to sit in the lovely, sparkly, enclosed garden and now there was only one other couple in the place. Soon, we had the whole place to ourselves. I began to think about things I would like to do with Stu and travel came to mind. I started mentioning the places I’d like to visit with him. I’d been reading about the Missisippi River, so I said a riverboat on the Mississippi, and Hawaii (Club 90) and San Francisco and Amsterdam (Xaviera and Phillip), and London, just ‘cause it’s London. Stu got up from his chair. I realized he was getting down on one knee, he pulled a small box out of his pocket. I was seeing all of this in slow motion. He said, “I want to visit those places with you, too, Veronica, but I’d like to do it with you as my wife. Will you marry me?
I was in shock, I said YES, we kissed, I cried. The waiter brought more wine.  We asked him to take the blurry photo above. You can be sure we’ll have better shots our June wedding (exact date tba).  The ring is beautiful. 3 flowers made from 19 tiny diamonds, a lovely, sparkly bouquet. Perfect.   Stu’s career change makes me very happy because I am not marrying a frustrated front desk supervisor, I’m marrying a liberated artist. YEAH!!!!
When we got home, Stu said all of the things I wanted to hear. All of the things I had hoped to hear, things that let me know he had given this much thought. He said he wanted to show his commitment because I’m so terrific and I deserve it. I am so happy and proud of him. He held me in his arms and said, “I’ve got you now, Veronica.” We’ve got each other.
November 1, is not only my birthday and All Saints’ Day, it is Samhain, the Celtic New Year’s day. What better way to begin.

Happy Birthday Big John

My friend Michele Capozzi is a family man. With one foot in Italy and one in New York, he carries his home on his back. It is Michele who is the first to call the tribe together in celebration. This is what families do. Each year, come June (this year July), he invites all to a party at the 79^th Street Boat Basin where he’s lived on one “yacht” or another for the past 20 years. The guest of honor is Big John, a sexy and dapper man with an eye for the ladies, many of whom arrived to serve him his dinner and some to be his dessert.

The party began at sunset under the pink and purple sky and continued as darkness descended and revealed galaxy of amber lamps. We were at the edge of the City, surrounded by the beauty of nature, almost on our own little island. We may not have all known each other, but eventually we would- there were no strangers here.

Me and Stu

Capozzi e le belle donne

I schmoozed and chatted. My darling Stu Cottingham arrived late, after work. We stood talking with Barbara Alper and Rob. Barb, like several photographer friends had brought her camera. She documented the buxom stripper who danced for the birthday boy. Then Ms. Kelli Stiles provided some new inspiration. Kelli sniffed her way into our little group. “Hmm, it’s 420 time,” she said. Hands on her hip, she introduced herself as a porn star. “I’ve made some porn movies too,” I said, establishing that porn sister bond. Her legs were long, her skin chocolate and smooth. She wore bright white lipstick and shiny white eye shadow and I could not take my eyes off her dayglo teeth as she entertained us with her funny, smart, sassy girl talk. She was a natural. She liked me too. “Do you two swing?” she asked Stu. When he told me later, I was amused. My honey is a sexy guy, but as for swinging, his experience consisted of dropping from trees into swimming holes at Rainbow Family reunions. And that was just fine with me.

Kelli and her costar

Suddenly, a young man jumped on Kelli’s curvy backside. “He was just in a movie with me,” she laughed, “and now he can’t get enough.” The two went into action for Barbara and her camera. Then Kelli shooed him off. She knew what to do when she had the lens all to herself. Now Barbara was her best friend. “I love you” Kelli told her. “You’ll love her even more when you see these photos,” I said.

Ms. Kelli Stiles

My Gay Wedding Day

Do you believe in miracles?
To those who suffered arrests and continue to suffer discrimination, the vote in NY State to legalize gay marriage may feel like a miracle. Like most miracles, its outcome has roots in rational causes and effects. In a recent New Yorker article, David Remnick cited one of those roots as the Supreme Court’s 2003 decision in Lawrence vs. Texas in which the court “extended privacy rights to gay men and lesbians.” Opponents, including Justice Antonin Scalia who wrote the dissenting opinion, saw this decision as a slippery slope that would lead to more outrage such as gay marriage. I say, let me put my fanny to a snowboard on this slippery slope, and I’ll shout wheee all the way home.

I’ve always been in favor of gay marriage, in fact, I was part of one. In 1987, I proposed to my best male friend and next door neighbor, Robert Maxwell Lock, a gay man. The newspaper headlines called it “A Most Unusual Marriage: Porn Star Marries Gay Man with A.I.D.S. Our marriage was the action we took to cope with Robert’s illness. It was long before the chemical cocktails that would add years to so many lives. At the time, survival rate after diagnosis averaged about two years. If Robert was going to die, I wanted him to know he was truly loved. Our wedding took place in the courtyard of our apartment building in Chelsea. Robert lived in 3C and I, in 3B. The apartments shared a balcony and we had often run across, to enter through the back doors, sometimes even interrupting each other during sex. When we married the adjoining apartments became our family home. When Robert died, I assumed I would lose Robert’s apartment and thus half of our home. But friends suggested I contact an attorney. “You were married – you have rights to that apartment,” they said. And the lawyer agreed. But I questioned the lawyer. “Ours was a special marriage. “ I told him. “ We were husband and wife, but not sex partners.”
“What makes you think all married couples have sex,” asked the lawyer. People get married for all kinds of reasons. You got married for the best reason, love.”
Logically, I knew he was right. Few would be more privy to the inner workings of marriage than an attorney. So why did I think that my marriage was any less real? It was because, like so many of us, I was indoctrinated to believe that the purpose of marriage was to give birth to children and raise a family. I just had not realized how deep those early teachings had dominated my psyche.

Those who object to homosexual marriage share those same beliefs that I was taught. Hence, only marriage between a woman and a man could hope to achieve those goals.
But let’s look at what marriage has really been about. Long before people got married for love, they got married for property. Arranged marriages were created to expand the wealth of the tribe or the state either through real estate or sheer numbers of population. Holy Matrimony like so many rituals and ceremonies was created for very practical purposes. It was a prayer to bless this union: be fruitful and multiply…Let our lands, and our money be passed down smoothly through our family – to our spouse and our children. If couples happened to be in love when they married, or learned to love each other later, all the better. But love was not the original impetus.

If gays and lesbians with money, property and hence influence, had not also come Out and, been activists, marriage between homosexuals would not be legalized. Now that it is, it will be interesting to “follow the money.” Where will homosexual couples, families and their supporters invest their influence? There is a definite shift. Will those who have achieved more personal power look to hold on to their own, or will we push for more tolerance, more love, more openness in the rights of all individuals to marry, love, identify as they choose?

What does acceptance of gay marriage in NY State means for the rest of us, straights, as well as the B and the T in GLBT. To all, it means hope. We don’t live in a vacuum. In his article Remnick rightly compared the Gay Right’s movement to the Civil Rights movement. Tolerance breeds tolerance. When one groups achieves its rights and, contrary to fear, the world does not end, we can choose to be more brave and more bold. There is an old saying used within many movements, “If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.” To foster a society that is tolerant and more liberal in the ways we form unions, we must respect and accept individual choice, starting with ourselves. Practice self-acceptance… yes, it does take practice. And it’s worth it.

On Pride Sunday in NYC, I met a gay couple from Pennsylvania. Pennsylvania is not one of the states in the United States that has legalized homosexual marriage. Six states, plus the District of Columbia, do. A few other states recognize domestic unions. http://www.ncsl.org/default.aspx?tabid=16430
I told these gentlemen how amazing if felt to wake up on the morning after New York’s vote. I awoke in a better state, in every way. I wished the same for them. Wishing is the start, action must follow.

In 1992, when I created Miss Vera’s Finishing School for Boys Who Want to Be Girls, the world’s first crossdressing academy our first location was the apartment which I had, thanks to that good attorney, inherited from my husband Robert. The school remained there for ten years. Blessed by our union and, I believe, Robert’s spirit, we were fruitful and multiplied lots of men in dresses embracing their inner femmes, and thus, themselves. At the time of our founding, the word transgender was just beginning to be in more common use to describe a burgeoning movement. Within the community served by my academy, there are those who crossdress but might not identify with the term “transgender.” Yet, all of us within this community can celebrate this new law with hope, and with this hope comes responsibility. Whether you are a closet case or open about what is termed your alternative lifestyle, you must show tolerance and support this wonderful change. Support with your vote and if you have money, support with your money. Money talks and in times when many don’t have money, those who do can talk louder. Support candidates and causes that will help create the world of your dreams. Demand that respect and support for yourself. Today, two men get married in tuxedoes, two women in dresses, two men in gowns, two women in tuxes. Then two humans get married and what we choose to wear, and who we choose to wed is up to up because freedom of expression is our fashion statement. And that statement is the law of the land. Do you believe in miracles? I do.